| 9/11: Resentment, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation The Gospel for this Sunday, when many Americans will remember the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, asks the question: How many times do we need to forgive? For many forgiveness is very difficult and often leads to questions about who we should forgive and what we should forgive. Should we forgive Osama bin Laden and the bombers he inspired? Jesus seems pretty clear on the subject and the answer would be, Yes we must forgive. For many Americans forgiving Osama bin Laden would be seen as unpatriotic and a denigration of those who lost their lives in the attacks. Yet our national resentment has led us into two wars and cost billions of dollars that could have been used for saving lives rather than taking lives. May be Jesus was onto something when he said forgive and keep on forgiving. From my pastoral experience one of the main reasons people don't forgive is they don't know how, and in particular they confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Added to the problem is a lack of good working definitions of resentment, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Telling people to forgive without teaching people how to forgive is very unhelpful and contributes to their misery. In the following, longer than usual newsletter, I will define these terms and describe the steps that enable people to forgive. This material is taken from my book Restoring Hope: Appreciative Strategies to Resolve Grief and Resentment which can be found at: Restoring Hope Resentment, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation Take a moment and define resentment, forgiveness, and reconciliation. When dealing with problems such as these it is important to define them in a way that points toward how to engage in the solution. Resentment Resentment involves reliving, in the present moment, something from our past. But we remember pleasant things from the past and don't experience distress. To experience resentment we need to do one other thing than simply relive a past event. To create resentment, in addition to reliving, we need to add a demand, in the present moment, that the past event would not have occurred. These demands are often in the form "he or she shouldn't have done, or should have done something." Regardless of how hard we demand, or how despicable the event was, demanding that something didn't happen doesn't change the fact that the event occurred. Resentment: A demand in the present moment that a past event didn't happen. Forgiveness When forgiving what we let go of is the demand that the past would have been different than it actually was. To release a demand we can convert it into a preference. "I would have preferred that the past event wouldn't have happened." Forgiveness isn't about saying "it didn't matter." These past events do matter, especially when our core values have been violated. Converting a demand into a preference means we get to maintain our integrity and our values. When we convert the demand into a preference we can explore the values contained within the preference. If the values that were violated are important to us and we would like to keep them in the future we can take a moment and imagine personally sharing that value with someone in the future. It doesn't need to be with the person who has hurt us, but we do need to be willing to give to people what we want to receive from them. To let go of the past and live fully in the present moment we need to go beyond turning the demand into a preference and surrender the other person and ourselves into the Goodness of God that is fully available now. I like the idea of the Goodness of God, I never define what that goodness is, but I know deeply that it is good, it is good for me and good for others. When I try to define the goodness of God, for myself and others, I find I contaminate it with all my ego wishes and wants. When dealing with people who have hurt me, my ideas of what would be good for the one who has injured me are generally for my benefit and not for the one who has hurt me. Forgiveness: Letting go of our demands that the past would be different and surrendering ourselves and others into the Goodness of God in this present moment. Forgiveness is independent of the person who has injured us. It is how we set ourselves free of things that have happened in the past. Forgiveness is a precursor to reconciliation, but it is very different than reconciliation. Reconciliation Reconciliation is an agreement by two people on how they will live together in the future. Reconciliation requires shared values. It would be stupid to be reconciled with someone who does not share our values. Jesus forgave those who crucified him, and he was never reconciled to the mission or goals of the Romans or the Pharisees. Martin Luther King Jr. pursued a non-violent dream of equality and he was never reconciled to injustice or to those who perpetrated injustice. We can forgive Osama Bin Laden and his followers and we do not need to be reconciled to those who create terror. If we truly want an end to terrorism then you and I must first renounce using fear to motivate anyone, whether they be our spouses, or children, co-workers, parishioners, citizens, politicians, or our enemies. For when we use fear to motivate someone we have become a terrorist in their lives. Only when we give up using fear to motivate people can we lovingly and fiercely challenge those who terrorize us. When we are in conflict with others we may not be able to achieve reconciliation at the point of the conflict but we may find a deeper place of reconciliation that allows us to peaceably engage with those with who we disagree. For example in the church we have great conflict over issues of sexuality. Finding reconciliation at that point of the conflict may be impossible but we can find a deeper place of reconciliation in a profound awareness that despite our differences we are both loved by God, and that God's love is not dependent on the rightness of our beliefs, but is dependent purely on the nature of the God of love who loves both the just and unjust. From that deeper place of reconciliation we can find a place of unity that can allow us to live in love with those with who we disagree. If you have found this understanding of forgiveness helpful you can find more in-depth steps to help people and organizations to forgive those who have hurt them in Restoring Hope: Appreciative Strategies to Resolve Grief and Resentment which can be found at: Restoring HopePlease feel free to use the information in sermons or pass it on to others who may benefit from it. I am also in the process of setting Restoring Hope training schedules for next year. If you would like to host a training event please let me know at: robvoyle@appreciativeway.com Rob Voyle
Director, Clergy Leadership Institute A Final Blessing: Watch over your friends O Lord so that they can look forward to the days when they can look back and behold with wonder the great things they have co-created with you. The God of Truth bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficiality so that you live from deep within your heart. Amen. The God of Understanding make you tender in the face of pain and rejection so that others can know the comfort of your acceptance. Amen. The God of Justice make you fierce in the face of oppression and exploitation so that others can live with dignity in the midst of your respect. Amen. The God of all Wisdom bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a loving difference in this world, so that you can lead others to do what many claim cannot be done. Amen. And the Blessing of God Almighty, Creator, Redeemer, and Life Giving Spirit be amongst you and all those whom you love and lead now and for ever. Amen. ![]() | Restoring Hope Use the Appreciative Way to
rapidly and effectively resolve | • | Traumatic Memories | | • | Grief | | • | Resentment | | • | Shame and Guilt | This is not a book about
the need for hope! This book will teach you how to resolve the consequences of distressing events. Contents
208 pages of healing strategies and scripts.
Access to online resources. Cost: $39.95
What Readers Say "Rob Voyle has produced the most comprehensive manual for dealing with the consequences of serious negative life events. Logically organized into easy to follow stages, Restoring Hope provides a large number of tried and tested techniques and processes essential for any clinician working in the therapeutic field." Andy Austin, author, The Rainbow Machine: Tales from a Neurolinguist's Journal "This book is filled with things you can actually do to actually heal from grief and resentment. Whether you use this book on your own, as a member of group, or to help others, you will find here a resource rich with hands-on and effective strategies for healing. James Finley, author, Merton's Palace of Nowhere and The Contemplative Heart Forgiveness Quotes A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, jealousy and lies. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth and compassion. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too." The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather," Which wolf will win?" The wise one simply replied: "The one I feed."
Cherokee Parable Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.
Nelson Mandela Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
Ann Landers Demanding that the past should have been different is a really good way to stay miserable. Ask yourself this: "How does resentment help me have a better future?" If it does, keep resenting. If it doesn't, try forgiving.
Rob Voyle Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, when you are ready to stop hurting for what someone else did.
Edith Stauffer To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
Lewis B. Smedes Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.
E. H. Chapin When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.
Louis B. Smedes Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
Louis B. Smedes It's not about whether they deserve to be forgiven. It's about whether you want to be free of your resentment.
Rob Voyle If a fox gets in the chicken coop we need to get the fox out and protect the chickens by remembering that foxes are foxes and aren't safe around chickens.
Rob Voyle Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love.
Mohandas K. Gandhi Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.
Paul Boese To our most bitter opponents we say: "We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering.
We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you.
We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws because noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good.
Throw us in jail and we shall still love you.
Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you.
Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you.
But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer.
One day we shall win freedom but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process and our victory will be a double victory."
Martin Luther King, Jr. ![]() |
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